by Craig Harper
Faux Pas: a slip or blunder in etiquette, manners, or conduct; an embarrassing social blunder or indiscretion.
Last weekend I was at my beach house, away from the rat-race and blissfully, in the middle of nowhere (I love nowhere). Like many areas, it is an internet-unfriendly zone. In order for me to get on-line and be able to write, I needed to drive for fifteen minutes, find reception and do some work in my car, while I listened to the surf. So that's what I did last Sunday at 8am.
I found a massive car park (maybe 400 spaces) overlooking the water, with not a soul to be seen. Solitude.
Me, 399 empty spaces, four seagulls and some waves.
I'm lovin' it.
I hop in the passenger side so I can open my laptop without the encumbrance of the steering wheel and fire that bad boy up. Bliss.
For a moment.
I had been parked for a few minutes when a fifty-something, with a cancer stick hanging out the side of his gob pulls into the parking space next to me. There's 399 spaces to choose from and he not only parks in the adjoining space, but he parks so close that I could reach out and touch (punch) him through his open window. Just as his cigarette smoke begins to violate my clean air, he opens his door.
Thank goodness.
He's going for a walk.
Nope, he's not getting out.
No, he 's actually leaning out of his car and spitting out a big, wad of white, phlegmy crap. But not before he clears his throat for twenty seconds, to make sure he doesn't leave any in there.
So glad I haven't had my porridge.
He slags, wipes his mouth, shuts the door and takes another drag on the cancer stick.
"Am I invisible", I ask myself.
I sit in my car revolted, amused and curious as to why a person behaves this way, and obviously considers it okay to do so.
What goes on in someone's head for them to be so socially unaware and inappropriate?
What made him park his car one foot from mine?
What made him think it was okay to blow smoke in my window?
What made him do the whole spitting thing?
Anyway, he finished his little ritual, reclined his seat half way and then produced a newspaper from the passenger seat. Fabulous. He's staying.
I decided that I would exercise some focus and concentration, do my work and ignore him.
This worked for a few minutes until he distracted me out of the corner of my eye fossicking for snot.
Now I know you probably think I have a propensity to take poetic license but I am not fibbing; his index finger had all-but disappeared up his nose.
I actually laughed out loud.
I finished my work and drove home wondering why some people are so socially inappropriate and so seemingly, unaware.
Why does the fat bloke with the baggy, home-boy jeans think the world actually wants to look at his horrible, hairy ass-crack?
Has no-one told him? Did his parents not share that life-lesson?
So for the sake of my own amusement, hopefully yours, and possibly a little healthy debate, I have decided to list my top ten social no no's. Keeping in mind that what qualifies as a Faux Pas will vary from culture to culture (burping for example), I think the following might be universally cringe-worthy.
Number Ten
People who talk inappropriately loud for the situation or environment they are in. Typically found in restaurants, trains and hotel lobbys. Usually blokes. Usually forty(ish). Usually have two mobile phones and often have their car keys clipped to their hip.
Number Nine
Close talkers (as featured in Seinfield). Also known as the space invader (see previous post). Insist on standing on top of you to chat. Always have bad breath. Always boring. Often have big foreheads.
Number Eight
People who laugh hysterically at their own jokes. The only people who don't know they're not funny, is them. Often have white stuff in the corner of their mouth. Sad.
Number Seven
People who point out to tall people that they are tall. "Thanks for the revelation, Sherlock."
Number Six
The monobrow. We all have to contend with genetics, but their ain't no justifying a six-inch eye brow. One word; wax.
Okay two; pain.
Number five
Talking about people (who are in the room) as though they're not there. Usually done by stupid, insensitive parents, in front of their insecure, shy, teenage kid.
"No, Jason's not very good at sports, but he has a real flair with fabrics and pastry."
Number Four
People who always bring every conversation and story back to themselves. They never actually listen to anyone else; they merely wait for an gap in the conversation. They don't talk with people, they talk at them. The very thing they want (to impress) is the opposite of what they achieve.
Number Three
People who are clearly not in need of a feed, jostling and elbowing for position at the buffet. Seemingly in a frenzy to see exactly how much food can be squeezed onto one plate, and how many re-appearances they can make at the trough, before the food runs out. Invariably they will say something like: "wow, I was so hungry... I never eat like this."
Sure.
Number Two
Asking the pregnant lady (who isn't actually pregnant) how long she has to go. Oops.
Number One
Body Odour. Why don't smelly people know they smell?
Is it all odours they can't detect, or just the one's they produce? We've all worked, or gone to school with the really stinky guy who has absolutely no idea how pungent he is.
For most of us, the gigantic yellow armpit stains and the flies would be a give-away, but not him.
Faux Pas: a slip or blunder in etiquette, manners, or conduct; an embarrassing social blunder or indiscretion.
Last weekend I was at my beach house, away from the rat-race and blissfully, in the middle of nowhere (I love nowhere). Like many areas, it is an internet-unfriendly zone. In order for me to get on-line and be able to write, I needed to drive for fifteen minutes, find reception and do some work in my car, while I listened to the surf. So that's what I did last Sunday at 8am.
I found a massive car park (maybe 400 spaces) overlooking the water, with not a soul to be seen. Solitude.
Me, 399 empty spaces, four seagulls and some waves.
I'm lovin' it.
I hop in the passenger side so I can open my laptop without the encumbrance of the steering wheel and fire that bad boy up. Bliss.
For a moment.
I had been parked for a few minutes when a fifty-something, with a cancer stick hanging out the side of his gob pulls into the parking space next to me. There's 399 spaces to choose from and he not only parks in the adjoining space, but he parks so close that I could reach out and touch (punch) him through his open window. Just as his cigarette smoke begins to violate my clean air, he opens his door.
Thank goodness.
He's going for a walk.
Nope, he's not getting out.
No, he 's actually leaning out of his car and spitting out a big, wad of white, phlegmy crap. But not before he clears his throat for twenty seconds, to make sure he doesn't leave any in there.
So glad I haven't had my porridge.
He slags, wipes his mouth, shuts the door and takes another drag on the cancer stick.
"Am I invisible", I ask myself.
I sit in my car revolted, amused and curious as to why a person behaves this way, and obviously considers it okay to do so.
What goes on in someone's head for them to be so socially unaware and inappropriate?
What made him park his car one foot from mine?
What made him think it was okay to blow smoke in my window?
What made him do the whole spitting thing?
Anyway, he finished his little ritual, reclined his seat half way and then produced a newspaper from the passenger seat. Fabulous. He's staying.
I decided that I would exercise some focus and concentration, do my work and ignore him.
This worked for a few minutes until he distracted me out of the corner of my eye fossicking for snot.
Now I know you probably think I have a propensity to take poetic license but I am not fibbing; his index finger had all-but disappeared up his nose.
I actually laughed out loud.
I finished my work and drove home wondering why some people are so socially inappropriate and so seemingly, unaware.
Why does the fat bloke with the baggy, home-boy jeans think the world actually wants to look at his horrible, hairy ass-crack?
Has no-one told him? Did his parents not share that life-lesson?
So for the sake of my own amusement, hopefully yours, and possibly a little healthy debate, I have decided to list my top ten social no no's. Keeping in mind that what qualifies as a Faux Pas will vary from culture to culture (burping for example), I think the following might be universally cringe-worthy.
Number Ten
People who talk inappropriately loud for the situation or environment they are in. Typically found in restaurants, trains and hotel lobbys. Usually blokes. Usually forty(ish). Usually have two mobile phones and often have their car keys clipped to their hip.
Number Nine
Close talkers (as featured in Seinfield). Also known as the space invader (see previous post). Insist on standing on top of you to chat. Always have bad breath. Always boring. Often have big foreheads.
Number Eight
People who laugh hysterically at their own jokes. The only people who don't know they're not funny, is them. Often have white stuff in the corner of their mouth. Sad.
Number Seven
People who point out to tall people that they are tall. "Thanks for the revelation, Sherlock."
Number Six
The monobrow. We all have to contend with genetics, but their ain't no justifying a six-inch eye brow. One word; wax.
Okay two; pain.
Number five
Talking about people (who are in the room) as though they're not there. Usually done by stupid, insensitive parents, in front of their insecure, shy, teenage kid.
"No, Jason's not very good at sports, but he has a real flair with fabrics and pastry."
Number Four
People who always bring every conversation and story back to themselves. They never actually listen to anyone else; they merely wait for an gap in the conversation. They don't talk with people, they talk at them. The very thing they want (to impress) is the opposite of what they achieve.
Number Three
People who are clearly not in need of a feed, jostling and elbowing for position at the buffet. Seemingly in a frenzy to see exactly how much food can be squeezed onto one plate, and how many re-appearances they can make at the trough, before the food runs out. Invariably they will say something like: "wow, I was so hungry... I never eat like this."
Sure.
Number Two
Asking the pregnant lady (who isn't actually pregnant) how long she has to go. Oops.
Number One
Body Odour. Why don't smelly people know they smell?
Is it all odours they can't detect, or just the one's they produce? We've all worked, or gone to school with the really stinky guy who has absolutely no idea how pungent he is.
For most of us, the gigantic yellow armpit stains and the flies would be a give-away, but not him.
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